Be

a

ADDICTed to WORD PaWn

I write to recover.

I write to see my wrongs unedited before me. Our essay on life cannot be Tippexced right.

As my father always says in his Manc accent, “Life is not a reheeeearsal “ then has chuckles with multitude tones of experience.

I’ve never been an A student.. I do have an accurate A- result on my blood type! 👌

Sadly pro bono blood sweat and tears aren’t a high demand these days. O …yes… Im positive about that.

Genetics!

I am an a grade NA and AA scholar with diSTINktion in recreational chemistry and self medication with and undesirable attendance record.

My social Attendance on the other hand was far too consistent and buoyant. In fact It was so flamboyantly SWELL I self sabotaged until drowning.

A swell that double barrelled into a typhoon disaster.. currently under-self destruction *️⃣🚧🛠

I write to make amends one day.

Spelling my selfishness out with an unspoken shout.

Its all there.

Lettered black on white.

Ink dried tears, salted sorrow sight.

I write to remember my choices and the impact my actions have had.. catalysts can be good but sadly they can catastrophically bad.

I am an addict and with that comes a lifetime subscription fee to recovery.

A basic deduction of one’s time.

One day at a time: plus a couple of excess fines for flying off handles at unpredictable times.

Always wear your helmet⛑! Try not lose your head!

Your head is your home and where your mind lives. You need to protect it! Nurture it. Maintain its gardens and feed the soil with nourishing nutrients!

Toxic lands can be remediated, cleaned up and self replenished, with consistency that is.

I write to keep my colourful closet of personalities in order.

A space that should be mortgage and bond free. Paid off by conscious debit orders but not ‘soul’ed to the ‘HIGH’est bidder on the side of the street.

I write to socialise my isolated thoughts. Slowly introducing words to conversations once buried in regret.

I have 2 to sometimes 5 ‘mental friends’ living rent-free in my upstairs attic.

Now you can only ‘Imagine’ that;)

They’re an argumentative bunch with steadfast opinions.

Our regular hair pulling disputes have left their multiple personalities on the floor. I try gather pieces of the broken telephones while my vocal cords are wrapped and choking… then SNAP

Sometimes I feel like I’m just a pen to paper pal, an unpaid, underrated scribe.

Filtered by my own demeanour for the illiterate can neither read nor write.

Lies simply become told as truths.. it’s a lose lose game of parlay ..

A poker game for one, lost face to self reflection-Blame-can only be placed on us silver spoon fed generation

There is no such thing as ‘wrong writing’.

Yes you can write incorrectly grammatically speaking, but writing with PURE HONESTY is expression and therapy and never wrong!

They say that honestly without kindness is said to be cruelty and that kindness without honesty is manipulation and disconnectedness...

I have been BOTH! Disconnected and dishonest. Something quite difficult to see during ones active use.

I am sure I’m not alone here when referring to my unsponsored advisor.

It’s a love hate type of relationship…

You know the one??

They arrive Fashionably late, make quite the entrance when you least expect and never d fail on showing up….

Mine goes by the name ‘Conscience’.

An advisor that is strong, overly active and sometimes won’t shut the F*%#€$ UP THE CHIMNEY To get presence🎁

A conscious titanic reminder that my choices can sink ships to rock bottom quick.

Placing my mind onto paper gives my shame a voice.

It gives it a space.

A place to meet other letters, also lost in the triangle of Alphabet Soup.

Soup, scrambled then stirred.

Addicted to the chaos.

Floating scrabble in a bowl without a placemat.

Feeling a sense of fullness when only eating with your eyes.

Quickly starving after a week of Never Never Land demise.

Being heard can be extremely hard. Especially if it’s YOU trying to hear yourself. Your inner voice. When you finally do:

It’s self therapy! I call it Vocational Me-habilitation:

(👂+🧠+💛+👣) X (📜 +🖊+ ✍️ ) =🔓🗣🐝🎁🐝🙏🐝📿💸

For those who aren’t emojimaticians .. I shall translate.

(LISTEN to your mind+LISTEN to your heart+LISTEN your SOUL)with time(get out that scroll+a pen and use the courage you already have inside to write something down. It can be absolutely ANYTHING! And guess what… WHATEVER you have written is 111.420% RIGHT in every way!

I’m a recovering addict and there’s my instant gratification.

Right? 🧐🥸🤓🥳🎅😋

Respectfully speaking, one can also be totally INSANE or even borderline batshit!

Their writing preference may indulge in political satire, or a bit of tongue and check humour, rhymes, riddles,cotton candied cards, sonnet cuddling poems or :

I AM GRATEFUL FOR:

Choose 3 things ⚧

Was that easy or difficult?

I sense we may have forgotten to be grateful for even 1 out of our 5 senses we take them for granted so easily.

It can also be hard to feel grateful while feeling hopeless. Just hope to feel-less stressed and NOT worthless.

We are harder on and crueler to ourselves than anyone else can be.

We really aren’t very kind to ourselves. We choose to punish ourselves in such ways that belittles our growth.

Slowly petal plucking until bare and crushed with brutality.

My guilt bully comes charging in dismantling what’s left of my self-esteem, while it cunningly makes its way to our name.

Destroying our relationships, our friendships, our experiences AND our reputations.

Dragging those around us down too.

It hovers down until it reaches our signed initials at the bottom of a legal page….

You turn it over and realise you’ve been sectioned by the state… you shall receive an involuntary administration of drugs… free of charge! For once, Drugs you dread taking.

Why oh why didn’t I right my wrongs when all the good in my life was at stake?? We ask ourselves!

Magic muffin parties were far from few where I baked my cakes and ate them too.

I had a fishing rod and a golden goose.. snapped the line when casting into muddied blue.

Study this, don’t study that. Join the rat race and win an Oscar or even a golden globe will do.

Do this part… no don’t, wait… are you number 36? Or 22? Never mind just change your face, your smile, your whole shape and outline too. I just need you in the background. Be a space filler for a buck or few!

I strayed off and got beaten by the track while my feathered friend got the flu… no golden eggs in sight only seasoning and garnish to dress him into. He’s a pet, I couldn’t eat him!

Trying to be vegan is hard when you like chicken and fish but they are friends too.

My alarm stood in for the first few days but chickened out after I woke before dawn, squawking a sound of ANY cockwilldoo…Don’t be too alarmed! If so Dial 10111… but who knows if they’ll come… it’s as hopeful as me wanting to be a unicorn free from the zoo!

I relapse on word♟daily..

I will be an addict all my life.

Im going to try focus on being addicted to life!

As long as it’s not toxic material and the company I’m in then recovery is insight.

Antioxidants strengthen our pillars, balance out acidity and feed us with goodness only. They talk gently to our cells.

Boost us up, not break us down.

Writing is having the freedom to fly as high as you want to sore. It unlocks the chest for self-expression and HEALING.

It’s having the ability when weak to strengthen.

Embracing new found feeling.

That’s one of the great mysteries and master pieces of being human.

Some seek out to numb.. others release through self inflicted pain.

Do you control your feelings or do they control you? What is there to gain?

Does Judy pack a punch or does she punch it up until she’s blacked-out Judy?? Try saying that 3times fast while being sober!

That breathalyser your currently playing like a harmonica, performing at a jagged little pill Alanis Concert has now malfunctioned.

You blew out a tune called sober. Isn’t that ironic?

Too many zeros to say 0.1million2billionooooh oooh eh eh haha….

‘Can’t believe’

Now pay the officer a pie and a cool drink and be on your merry way.

Thanking your higher ‘guru’ ass kicking power you didn’t drink or use today!

Just for today 🙏

Use your tool box! Give yourself permission to feel safe with your sworded pen and armoured shield of scrolls.

Protecting your light 💡 from braille forced winds increasing knot by knot.. suicide stimulus can be activated even on a beautiful sunny day.

Pen and paper may not tick your box.

Control and therapy may be your thing but DO whatever works for you to get your caged bird to sing.

It’s like having a free lifetime card for the mental health gym, a life coach or psychologist, maybe in my case-Psychiatrist.

One page and a pen.

That engagement in itself is the first step towards recovery, attending a meeting with yourself, your inner sponsor, your ghost buster writer.

This I repeat can never be wrong…